Pictures and Shootings and Pants

Hello again, Let's start with a few pictures of my boys! I need to post some updates - we moved and have a new baby, so a lot has changed. But first I need to attempt to clear my head by expressing my thoughts and several recent events. I am so sickened and heartbroken and distressed about the school shooting in Connecticut.

I am praying for peace and comfort for their families and I'm praying for safety for children everywhere. Blake and I were discussing this and I said something along the lines of, "This is scary. I can hold family home evenings, read the scriptures, teach them to be righteous. I can put them in car seats, hold their hands around cars, have a year's supply of food storage so we don't starve in an emergency. . . There are a lot of things I can do to keep them safe. But how do I protect them when they are at school, when they're where they need to be doing what they should be doing." I'm grateful for the reminder I received that my children will never be alone, that our Heavenly Father will protect them and watch over them. The same applies to me. I will do everything I can, which is very little, and in the end, our Savior will fill in the gaps, like He always does.

The second thing that has gotten me quite worked up over the past few days is the feminist issues being discussed lately. I've read both sides, many comments, tried to decide what I though about it all. I know people on both sides, and I respect them both, but in the end, my opinion is: We all have questions we want answered. Take, for example, the twenty families who lost their children days before Christmas. I'm sure they want answers. And I wish I had some to offer them. But the most I have is a collection of Primary songs about our Savior's love for children. I have a handful of scriptures about peace, and comfort, and how the Lord has a plan. I don't know why they were allowed to be hurt , but I have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and eternal families. Sometimes it doesn't feel like that's enough. But sometimes that's all we have.

The same applies to the women in the church. I read the list of reasons why some women feel unequal, and all that I can offer is the same sentiments. God has a plan. He loves us all. Women has a unique role in the church. Again, I don't feel like that's enough. I feel like that sounds trite and insincere. But I absolutely believe it. To you women out there who are suffering from feelings of inequality. I am sorry. I mean that with every fiber of my being. And I understand your points. I'm a woman, I'm a member of the church. While I personally do not feel unequal, I understand how some women may. But the only thing I can offer is: In the Lord's time.

 But again, we all have questions. I have several that gnaw at me almost daily. My mom divorced my dad, a righteous and loving man, because in the temple, "the Lord told her too." In the temple, where families are sealed for eternity, my mom was told to destroy a family and cause years of heartache. She was told to strain the relationships between siblings. This was five years ago and I am still pained by this. My mom divorced my dad, but also seriously impaired her relationship with me. And I am not able, at this time, to work on repairing that. Thanksgiving was difficult, and I am dreading arranging seeing family for Christmas. My question is why? Was my mom really instructed to do that? Because in my heart I lean towards no. I do not believe that is the Lord's way. So is my mom making it up? Or exaggerating? I don't know why that happened.

I wonder what will happen to people who are righteous and kind and generous, but inactive in the church. I owe a great deal to my extended family who provided so many things that I lacked. I made it through difficult times and I really owe it to my aunts who sacrificed so many things on my behalf and they didn't have to do that. But they are inactive. So my question is, during the final judgement, how is everything weighted? Because, if allowed, I will speak in the behalf of their goodness. I once made a joke about a time I had been wronged by one of my siblings. I think my aunt knew that it was still painful because she looked my in the eye and said, "I am so sorry that happened." And I am so grateful for that simple experience because she mourned with me as I mourned, and comforted me when I stood in need of comfort. That is also a commandment. She understood when my own mother and sisters didn't. My aunt reminded me of my Savior's love for me. I hope that counts for a lot.

I wonder about those who are afflicted with homosexuality. The church has not revealed to them many answers.

 I think of children who are severely disabled. What is their purpose in life? Because I do not believe that the Lord sends people to earth and their only job is to teach others how to serve. I wonder why. When people answer this question, they say the same things: They have their own trials. They are some of the most elect. They are hear to share glimpses of heaven. But I am not sure that those answers are the ones that parents of children with disabilities are longing to hear. And there will be a time when our questions are answered and the truth of all things will be made known unto us.

I sometimes experience a little bit of guilt for how richly blessed I am. I have a wonderful, loving, hardworking husband who is a great father to my two happy, healthy, handsome boys. We live in a beautiful home, something I never would have pictured myself in. We are blessed with many nice things. And I think of my dear sister (hope you don't mind that I put you in here!) expecting their second baby and her husband is struggling to find a job. I think of people in other countries exposed to starvation and wars and human-trafficking. My question is, why am I here and others where they are? I can promise you that it is not a matter of righteousness, because I am more richly blessed than I deserve.

 I am absolutely plagued by this question: In my sophomore year of high school, we read the book Night by Elie Wiesel. It is a traumatizing true story about the holocaust. I do not recommend it at all. There is a part where people have been in concentration camps and they're starving to death. They are riding in a train in a cattle car, if I remember correctly, and some people are throwing bread to them. Anyway, a starving son kills his father over a piece of bread. My question is: What is that scene going to look like during judgement? Is that son accountable for that? He was starving and abused. Is that death going to be placed upon the heads of the Nazi leaders who started it? I don't know the answers. After being through what he'd been through, was he supposed to have the self-control? Are there insanity pleas in heaven?

Here is why I am frustrated with my fellow women. Now is not the time. We are not the only ones without answers. Children died yesterday. Their families are grieving. And instead of spreading the word of eternal families and the Plan of Salvation, we are in the news for perceived inequalities. And I do not mean that offensively, but the Lord's ways are perfect and He has things organized the way they need to be. If you are seriously distressed about women wearing dresses to church, by all means, wear pants. It's not a commandment. Find nice slacks, dress up and go to church and worship the Lord. Why the scene? Just wear your pants. By small and simple things, shall great things come to pass. And that means one person at a time, righteously, faithfully. If several years ago, women began wearing pants, one by one, when they felt they wanted to, then the culture would change and today the women wearing pants would not be called apostates. If you do not want to wear a dress, wear pants. And if somebody asks, politely and confidently explain that it isn't a commandment, that you are still in your Sunday best, and you renewed your covenants. If you cannot do that by yourself, if you need to have hundreds on people on your side before you make a stand, then your issues are a lot more serious than perceived inequalities.

Instead of a group organizing a protest, or an awareness campaign, whatever you want to call it, let's organize a fast. Let's all come together to pray for these families. The last days are here and there simply is not enough time to worry about silly things. People are starving, there are wars, there are child slaves. Children were killed in a school. The family is being attacked from so many angles. Everybody wants answers. They'll come when it's time. So patiently go about your work. You are blessed to be sealed to your children for time and all eternity and that is something that very few have. So count your blessings, be grateful for what you do know, don't cause a scene about what you don't, and find a way to prepare the world for the coming of our Savior.

I do not have time for trivialities.  There is work to be done.  I have boys to prepare for missions and I have one less year to do it.  So, I'm going to invite my mom over, kiss my kids, say a prayer for those in pain, clean my house and prepare for the Sabbath. Because there are far more important things in life.